Everything Love is Not



Posted: Monday, June 22, 2009

by Devon Blaine
The Blaine Group, Inc.

At the end of the day most of us want love in our lives. And we have all done and tried many things to find, get and keep love in our lives. However, abandoning our athentic selves to become some variety of whomever you want me to be is most common. This is a habbit learned by many of us; probobly the same place we all learned a version of this, from our parents, who learned from theirs, and so on. Love has to be earned. Right? Wrong. And if you do the right things love will find you. Right? We are imprinted with the belief that love has to be earned-or, at minimum looks a certain way. (IE. I do this or that and then you'll lvoe me.) Dr. Helen Fisher, whom I greatly esteem, calls this your love map.

I, too, strongly recommend that you know what your relationship pattern or map looks like. Intimately! Otherwise you end up falling victim to the unconscious loop that most of us repeat over and over, and NOT in a good way. Your pattern may look like: you always attract people who cheat, are narcissists, are abusive, have no drive, are alcoholic or addicted to pornography, or perhaps they just can't seem to tell the truth about anything (especially when it comes to where they have been and who with); maybe they are blamers, have anger problems or won't commit. And no matter what you do, it seems, oops there I go again, I attracted another (fill in the blank). Whatever your love map looks like there is hope. And something we can do about it.

Making the distinction between who I am being (my persona or inauthentic self) and my true self (or authentic self) is the first step in the process of awakening, which leads to the eventual shift from unconsciously and reflexively choosing the same type of relationship over and over again. For me this was part of a larger portal through which I passed and left what wasn't working (and who) behind for a more authentic life filled with great freedom of being. This portal, I call becoming internally referenced—making the distinction between who you are and who you are not—and it's absolutely fundamental to having a great relationship.

Over the last 25 years of working in the personal development industry I have learned some amazing things, some absolutely life-altering truths that have become creed because they were ultimately irrefutable (true whether or not I believed them). And few rival my understanding of what love is NOT: Chemistry is not love. Chemistry is...well...chemistry. Desire is not love. Hmmm, yeah, it's more like being addicted to the feeling of wanting something you can't have, so you set yourself up again and again to feel it! Desire junkies salute! Longing, nope, not love! Too many Cinderella or Pretty Woman episodes. Feeling lovesick, uh uh, NOT. Smacks of love map laced with abandonment issues. Infatuation, often confused with love, is a strong psychological projection onto the love object. Lust, hmmm, a biological function designed to procreate. (Period.) Abuse, definitely NOT. Usually a direct connection to our low- or no-self-esteem! Neglect, no, not love either. There's always time for some loving exchange! Indifference. Ouch. Nope. Not likely. More likely booty call, or they're just not into you at all!

For me, making this/these distinctions saved me a whole hellavalotta heart ache. I learned to make better choices and found that I respected myself even more when I focused on what was real and authentic about myself, rather than focusing on trying to figure out who you wanted or needed me to be. At first, like with many things, I had a tough time believing this was true and still find I can get caught in that trap. But overall, this awareness makes it possible for us to attract and create a healthy, loving relationship rather than one based on deserve and reward~

And if you want to get really deep, my husband often reminds me that the English language has but one word for love (with 9 definitions, by the way). We have come up with our own definition (vigilant seekers of truth that we would like to think we are). We consider Love a gift, a conscious choice we make to behave with respect, patience, understanding and compassion with ourselves and towards another human being. It's a way to behave from, and includes the concept that love bestowed need not be earned nor returned but rather wants only that which the other wants for him or her own self! When you taste true love, you won't want to go back to the kind of love you once knew!!!

Copyright (c) 2009 Center for Healthy Relationships

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Love, healthy relationship advice and more available at www.maryannelive.com
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Top-level comments on this article: (1 total)
» left by Lorrie Davids
 2 years 336 days ago.
96 fans.
Interesting article, Devon. Sheesh - 9 definitions...no wonder people are confused!
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